Your second mental problem is concentration. 3. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls. Like chess, golf is a game that is forever challenging but can never be conquered. Harvey Penick, 10. Andrew Barton Paterson, A boss once told me, Colleen, its not about the meeting, its about the scotch after the meeting. Spice things up with these dirty golf jokes. The mark of a great player is in his ability to come back. Jack Benny. One minute youre bleeding. Diller's comment is a great take on a bit of traditional golf advice. Instead of worrying about making a fool of yourself in front of a crowd of 4 or 40,000, forget about how your swing may look and concentrate instead on where you want the ball to go. Ana Claudia Antunes, If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. Moe Norman, ALL of us play our very best game / Any other time / Golf or billiards, its all the same / Any other time / Lose a match and you always say, Just my luck! The next pint in the clubhouse is on me! No defenders, no game clock, no excuses. "The reason a pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.". When a golfer lies, he doesnt have to bring any proof home. A threesome were getting ready to tee off on the 10thwhen they notice a single player, running up the fairway, taking a shot almost immediately to then run up to the green for a 3 putt to put it in. I'm a bit tired so how about we just play your backside tonight? Mulligans are the reason golf balls come three to a sleeve. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow?. Jack Benny, The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight. What kind of model is Paige Spiranac? Wash your balls. Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. When hes not on the green, you can find him wishing that he was Fortunately hes happy tojust chat about it here until the next time. Missed the ball and sank the divot. Their fore-fathers! All of them. Concentrate on the one fault you want to overcome. Sam Snead, 55. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize, or laugh. The flowing robes, the grace, bald striking. Lorii Myers, Perhaps more than any other sport, golf focuses pressure on the player. Happy Gilmore. With this in mind, here are the 10 funniest golf quotes of all time. "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." -Lee Trevino "Golf is my profession. Putter Around. When you hit the cup but dont sink the shot, its called Prom Night. Say what you want about the other sports, none of them hold a candle to golf when it comes to inspirational and downright funny quotes. "You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember These quotes and images about funny golf are the truest, wisest, and most positive ones to be found on the web. Ahole in oneis amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole. Well have whatever Mac OGrady is smoking. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. I'd say how hard do I hit it, he'd tell me and I'd swing. USE OF AND/OR REGISTRATION ON ANY PORTION OF THIS SITE CONSTITUTES ACCEPTANCE OF OURVISITOR AGREEMENT(UPDATED 1/6/23),PRIVACY AND COOKIES NOTICE(UPDATED 1/4/23) ANDCALIFORNIA PRIVACY NOTICE. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I cant play it. Ian Fleming, I drove a golf ball into the air / It fell to earth, I knew not where / For, so swiftly it flew, the sight / Could not follow it in its flight. Wodehouse You get bad breaks from good shots, good breaks from bad shots - but you have to play where it lies." Bobby Jones 23. Why dont skeletons play golf? Is everything okay?. / They havent turned up, and I doubt if they will. What did Sir Mixalot say after sinking a 14-footer on the green, saving a terrible 3rd stroke into the rough? The worst day of mini golf beats the best day of work. Noah. Philip Wyeth, Hitting down is an important part of iron play. My caddy says I should use a hard 7. 3 / 10. Daphne du Maurier, With many twists and holes life is much like a golf game; without bats, you cannot Play. I have been able to hope for the best, expect the worst, and take what comes along. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behavior or unique IDs on this site. O'Grady's comment relates the essence of the experience of a lot of rounds of golf for a lot of golfers. Sam Snead, Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. PG Wodehouse. Chip Shot. He's the one getting his balls cleaned. Jay Griffiths, Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. Sam Snead. "The most important shot in golf is the next one." - Ben Hogan "I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators." - Gerald R. Ford "The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie." - Mickey Mantle "To find a man's true character, play golf with him." - P.G. P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.. Ben Hogan, And theres many neat cottages with gardens very nice / And picturesque villas, which can be rented at a reasonable price / Besides, theres a golf course for those that such a game seeks / Which would prove a great attraction to the knights of clubs and cleeks. Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't All Spiritual Signs & Inspirational Signs, TV Stands, Media Tables, & Media Furniture, The Most Important Things In Life Aren't Things. Weve put together a list of our favorite jokes, golf puns, and one-liners you can bust out on the course, the range, or the pub to try and laugh off that 102 you just shot. See more ideas about golf quotes, golf, golf humor. / In despair my overburdened spirit sinks / Till I wish that every golfer was in glory / And I pray the sea may overflow the links. The reason most politicians are golfers is that they lie better with more practice & experience. As in, surf the web, gather knowledge, and share them. No matter the distance, its through that tall tree over there. Wanna be my caddy? The man took a step back from his ball, closed his eyes and said a quick prayer. Full Text: Thank you for still being my friend even though I only talk about my horse and I smell like a barn. 20. "Golf is the perfect thing to do on a Sunday because you spend more time praying on the course than if you went to church." brockoli117 on Reddit.com. The actor's quote relays an essential truth: Even the most mild-mannered golfer tends to lose his head when he sees or suspects someone else has hit or picked up his golf ball. You dont know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket. Lee Trevino at his best. He attacks it. No other game combines the wonder of nature with the discipline of sport in such carefully planned ways. Many golfing terms sound naughty. Because you got me soaking wet. Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. Paul Harvey calling every golfer out. Bye Bye Birdie. Thats incredible. Golfing is like masturbation, sex, or pooping?! He also starred with the equally late and great Walter Matthau in one of my favorite movies, Grumpy Old Men. Were done with golf puns and jokes, but well leave you with a bonus the top 10 not actually dirty golf innuendos: What are some of your favorite golf puns? It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. Gone golfin' be back dark thirty. Success depends almost entirely on how effectively you learn to manage the games two ultimate adversaries: the course and yourself. Jack Nicklaus, 45. Which pro golfers can jump higher than the flag? You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. It was glorious when you did! Again the announcement: Would the man on the womens tee kindly back up the mens tee!, Mike had had enough and shouted: Would the horses ass in the clubhouse with the loud speaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!. Wodehouse, The value of routine; trusting your swing. In the Golf of Mexico! A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse to play a round of golf together. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. Jeff Foxworthy, In order to develop a golf swing, your thoughts must run in the right direction. Mark Twain, The average golfer doesnt play golf. Ewan McGregor, It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. Tiger Woods can drive a ball three hundred yards! Michael Connelly, The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. He looked at his caddie and said, Ive played so badly all day, I think Im going to drown myself in that lake., The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, Im not sure you could keep your head down that long.. -- Lee Trevino "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. Like a PGA Tour pro once said to his pro-am partners, youre not good enough to get angry. So dont even try it. Because all the other four letter words were taken. David Brenner, For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. And it's damn funny. Look at the size of his putter. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Man: "Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass." A man got on a bus with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls. Dean Martin, He loved the game. A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon are having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. Rory McIlroy has a GOOD driver! A hole in one of a kind model. Lift your head and spread your legs. Happiness is a long walk with a putter Greg Norman, 38. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows. Why do golfers put minus signs in front of their scores? If you drink, dont drive. Whats the shortest distance between the tee and the hole? He doesnt hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. I just finished a round of golf, wanna be my 19th hole today? How many strokes was that? I just got a call my wife has had a life threatening car accident and Im worried I might not make it.. It keeps you young. Patty Berg, 29. Lee Trevino, 59. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well. But you cant just forget not to think. Use these pick up lines to your advantage in starting a chat with your guy or girl. "Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.". Why are golf and sex so similar? Why did Tarzan spend so much time at the golf course? 2. Your email address will not be published. Theres no sense in going to a tournament if you dont believe that you can win it. Tiger Woods, 20. I was actually enjoying it. . Damn, my shaft's all bent. All he knows how to play with is Clubs! What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbation? I stepped on a rake.". All through the night they made wild love together. Golfing Quotes "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a -- Winston Churchill "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the -- Jack Benny "You can make a lot of money in this game. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt. Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. Gardner Dickinson, Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious. Knock, knock "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." On the final hole, the match was all even and one of the wives had a long, breaking, fifteen-foot putt to win the match. Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?, Mr. Palmer replied, Do you own a 3 iron?. How about you be my caddy and wash my balls tonight? As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Whats the difference between golf and sex? You can enjoy both of them even if youre terrible at it! Youngman is credited with inventing the "Take my wifeplease" trope. What's the difference between a golfball and a Nissan? Here, have a carrot! "If everything was given to you, it wouldn't feel as good when you achieve it." Annika Sorenstam 24. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. She makes sure he practices having a stroke first to make sure he's handicapped when he meets a blond working at one. Siegfried Sassoon, Golf is the infallible test. So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. If you break 80, watch your business.". I'm pretty good with my short putts. Mini Golf Captions. I had a hole in nothing. Colleen Ferrary Bader, Behold, my child, this touching scene, the golfer on the golfing-green / Pray mark his legs uncanny swing / The golf-walk is a gruesome thing! I'm known on the tour for having a lengthy club. Short Golf Jokes & Puns 1. Because he thought every day he needed to play around. Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. 5. Just tap it in. 6. Pick the quote from here which describes your inner thought. We have a threesome, care to join us? Golf is such an individual game, and no two people swing alike. Kathy Whitworth, 14. When your golf cart capsizes. Funny and dirty medical pick-up lines and doctor hook-up lines. He always puts his driver in the wrong bag. I'm still working on my approach, but I think I have a pretty good swing. Besides that, I love to explore. Your email address will not be published. The three tried & true methods of improving your game are: practice, study the pros, and cheat your ass off. Henny Youngman, Go play golf. Tahiti. I chipped in from the rough! What do golf and sex share in common? What do you jot down if you dont remember if you hit a 6 or a 7? H. G. Wells, The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. You okay with that? Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course the space between your ears. Regardless of time, place, situation, event, or occasion, it is in our human nature, to learn and express. Golf Club Distance & Driving Distances for Women Golfers, Providing a Community & Womens Golf Resources, How to Build Consistency in Your Golf Game, Golf is Hard. Dave Hill, My swing is then adjusted / as words take off and fly / And landing safe beyond the trap / to make the devil cry. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it's always possible to get worse. The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network. Bobby Jones, Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Many of these expressions of life, result in taking the form of wishes, quotes, greetings, messages, and captions. And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." This post may contain affiliate links. After 18 holes, I can barely walk. You hit down to make the ball go up. What does masturbation and 4 putting have in common? In case they get a hole-in-one! What is the difference between Rory McIlroy and Princess Diana? I figured my local caddy knew this course a whole lot better than me, so I just put my hand out and played whatever club he put in it. Spread your legs shoulder width, that's the first step to a successful golf swing. I've got some good news. And it matters how we go about attaining them. Whos there? The next minute youre hemorrhaging. I give the ball some sweet talk. 7. So we finish the 18th, and he's gonna stiff me. For more great quotes on life, golf and from books and authors, check out this site and this site. Lorii Myers, Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. Having Fun since 2020 Jokes Quotes Factory Have a carrot! What does a woman do with her asshole before sex? The greatest single lesson to be learned from golf is mental discipline. Louise Suggs, 51. It means, in so many words, that if you can golf when the wind is blowing youre a man; if not, youre still a boy. I was off to-day! Another Ball in the Trees. Paul Gallico, I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. Dont break your heart, but flirt with the possibility. Louise Suggs, 8. A good golfer has the determination to win and the patience to wait for the breaks. Gary Player, 53. "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Dont even putt. Figure out your weakness and dont make it your weakness anymore. Stacy Lewis, 60. I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. I'm a bit tired, so can we just play your backside tonight? "We learn so many things from golfhow to suffer, for instance.". Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night? In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. Beyond this, the comedian and violinist (an epic combination) made the above joke about golf. It can be rewarding. Robert Fuller Murray, The uglier a mans legs are, the better he plays golf. Dont even putt. Dean Martin, need we say more? "I'll kiss you on the rain so you get twice as wet". 75 Funny Knock Knock Jokes 2023 to Make You Laugh. Answer: Roarin Mcilroy. You want some dirty golfing jokes, we got them for you. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. Jack Lemmon, a true comedian on and off the course. Many of them contain words and phrases that are unable to grace this slideshow. First and foremost, you must have confidence. How do you "Tiger" proof a golf course? Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T? She asked her instructor. I give him the driver. Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result. Tommy Armour, 40. ~ George Bernard Shaw. Two men were playing a round golf, one of the men was just about to make his golf swing when he noticed a large funeral group passing by on a nearby road. The most redundant thing on a golf course is a ball-washer on a hole with water hazards. They have a hard drive. Because subtraction speaks louder than words. What did the golfer say to the hip hop dancer? Oh you only have a threesome, mind if I join? The Dalai Lama himself. With the exception of the putter and the driver remember that you hit down on every other shot in golf. You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will How we get there is as important as where we go. Old Tim Morris, 6. If you like football - I would rather think that you are active, optimistic and strict a bit. All the fans are gone! Your email address will not be published. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers , Now, enough talking, lets swing this thing. Required fields are marked *. Recently, I have discovered that Blogging can be quite a useful way, to share. The most important shot in golf is the next one. Ben Hogan, 56. Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? Mulligans are the reason golf balls come three to a sleeve. Golf is a lot like life. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. Two, be your own person. I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. Bobby Darnel, If you want to hook a ball turn both hands toward the right side on the grip or shaft. I like to go low. The formula for success is simple: practice and concentration, then more practice and more concentration. Babe Didrikson Zaharias, 19. "Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. Please sign up with your best email address. "Golf is like a love affair. Why did the golfer have to change his socks? / It is a gait he only knows / When he has on his golfing clothes. Days when you just dont have it, you dont pack it in, you give it everything youve got. "Of course I do, my dear -- it was the day I sank that thirty-foot What is a golfers favorite bird? "Hockey is a sport for white men. Hitting the ball well is about thirty percent of it. I am Jimmy, clown at heart. "The most important shot in golf is the next one." 21. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. Hi there! 3 of 10. P-U-T-T is correct, the instructor replied. One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. but I can show you what is! So I got that goin' for me, which is nice. Youre shooting for the green, and yet, in the end you find yourself in the hole. My swing is so bad, I look like a caveman killing his lunch. That means if you click and purchase, I may receive a small commission. Big pupils lead to big scores. He said. What hot new enhancement pill can you use to beef up your game? Hit the ball. Show Business is just to pay the greens fees." -Bob Hope "You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married," said the pouting wife. My drives aren't always long and straight.. but I can show you what is! You've got the nicest boobs I've seen outside a PGA Tour locker room. Its possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind. The other 20. How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife? Funny Golf Quotes You know you're on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do. What are a golfers favorite flowers? Excuse me, Miss, are you looking for the fairway? Enjoy the game, enjoy these best golf jokes. Why didnt the golfer finish his homework? Why don't golfers ever eat pie? Choose Sometimes a good joke can lighten up the mood. Sick of the same tired old golf puns and gags? The 19th hole. Why don't golfers in England work in the afternoon? P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. 7. I asked my caddie what he thought of my game. So that you can share them back, with the whole world. Ben Hogan, I dont play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf, but I feel good. You must remember not to remember to think. Paul Harvey, While playing golf today I hit two good balls. "The value of routine; trusting your swing." - Lorii Myers. The grass is clean, a lawn laundry that wipes away the mud, the insect, the bramble, nettle, and thistle, an Eezy-wipe lawn where nothing of life, dirty and glorious, remains.