Saul received a distinguished award (a 6 month fellowship at the Stockholm Research Institute and a $50,000 stipen with no strings attached). My batting average for being useful on the phone isnt great. Dead and in his grave for over a year and a half. She hated the friends who no longer invited her. Ive lived with it a long time., What was the satisfaction, Thelma? Or only part honest, or easy honest? And I liked his willingness to put up with uncertainty and to undertake the laborious task of inventing a different therapy for each patient. Most of us, most of the time, live comfortably by uneasily avoiding the glance of death, by chuckling and agreeing with Woody Allen when he says, Im not afraid of death. Could I help him assume the witness to himself posture without his feeling that I was demeaning both him and the letters? From the point of view of existential psychotherapy, and as a trainee therapist, I really appreciate Yaloms skill in explaining some difficult existential concept with ease and simplicity (unlike Heideggers trudging, heavy words). I wasnt about to give a guarantee that I would never callbut fortunately she didnt ask for that. The decades had eroded none of their restorative powers: she exhaled deeply, calmed herself, and sat back in her chair. One who is also a skilled writer. . And Matthew? She had been herself, in a fully spontaneous way, in only two situations in her adult lifewhen she danced and when she and Matthew had been in love for twenty-seven days. He put his head down and tried to collect himself. The wrong one died. Besides, like all Californians, they were jocksinto surfing and skydiving. Nonetheless, we find ourselves under ever-increasing pressure (from hospitals, insurance companies, governmental agencies) to sum up a person with a diagnostic phrase and a numerical category. I very, very badly wanted to love this book. She also examined her feelings toward me with more honesty than before: her fears of dependency, her gratitude, her anger. The first call she made upon regaining consciousness was to Matthews tape machine. And yet, time after time, I have seen this group exercise evoke unexpectedly powerful feelings. His lymphoma, he said, was killing him in stages. I asked them questions., Sarah suggested that some of your questions were not of the helpful variety., Someone had to get them talking. Marie and I endlessly discussed her options. Sometimes it simply waned painfully away; sometimes it turned into violent jealous accusations. Usually I sulk in a depression for weeks, but you had me, within minutes, working to figure out what happened. So much wanting. To my surprise, she joined a square-dancing group (this ladys got guts, I thought) and a weekly bowling leagueher father had often taken her bowling when she was a child, she explained. She reflected that she had to be entertaining to keep others interested in her. She had always walked her dog every morning at six. Its just that simple.. This specific goal, never to be attained, had powerful sexual connotations. It was as though he, too, sensed that she could be released only by information, that her illusions could not endure the beam of truth. She developed distressing physical symptomsincluding headaches (her father died of brain cancer), backaches, and shortness of breathand was tormented with the obsessive thought that she, too, had cancer. So theres life after all in San Francisco. I was not certain what would happen in this extraordinary three-way meeting, yet I felt strangely confident that all would be for the best. First, he informed me that Phyllis was doing well: her phobia about leaving the house remained much improved. Penny had said she was no longer feeling a connection with Chrissie in her cemetery visits (now down to two or three a week). All this cloak and dagger! Betty, whats the danger in letting me matter to you?, Im not sure. Damn, she was stubborn! Lots of stars. Somewhere Saul had found the power to take a stand against me. I didnt know yet, but I didnt think he was either in love or loving. You'll hear the patient describe vividly a dream they had (yawn), at which point Mr. Yalom goes on to analyze this dream and self-proclaim his genius. What she had feared at the very onset of treatment had come to pass: she had allowed herself to feel deeply about me and was now going to lose me. This is a bad day. I never saw Blush (or Brazen) again. God knows what was in those lettersprobably some irrelevant announcement, a scientific meeting or a new journal. Counter-transference - irrational feelings the therapist has toward the patient? Of course, she was curious about his actions and correspondence. But at the same time she became unaccountably more distressed and reported more sadness and more anxiety. I was in a dilemma: under ordinary circumstances, I might have attempted to clarify the consequences of her indirect discourse. Two weeks ago Thelma had reported an anxiety dreamthe only dream she reported during the entire therapy:I was dancing with a large black man. If I were going to get through, I would have to use something more compelling. He told me that about six months ago he, for the first time in his life, began suffering from headaches. She was ashamed, ashamed to tell me that she didnt know the identity of the father. We were similar in many ways. Everything else was prelude; other types of friendship, all other experiences were simply ways of marking time until her life began anew with a man. I was a latchkey kid when I was ten., O.K., begin with why you wanted to see me immediately. Whenever Dan discussed such experiences, I had to constrain my skepticism and rationalism: Spiritual linkage, indeed! From her description it seemed an ordinary purse snatching. I meant it when I said that if rape were legal, Id do it! Love's Executioner.docx. He considers establishing ongoing communication. But it is too late, too late to change any of my answers. They really came alive in the book. The inevitable decision loomed. Phyllis tells him he is dirty and poorly dressed. The project of psychiatric treatment is fraught with internal inconsistencies. Table of Contents. On her way home from the previous session, she stopped at the cemetery, sat next to Chrissies grave and, as she often did, wept for her daughter. . Nothing. He had no genuine care for Thelma, for the flesh-and-blood Thelma! Maybe it would be helpful to find out everyones in the same boat., No, youre alone in your own boat. While the belief in personal specialness provides a sense of safety from within, the other major mechanism of death denialbelief in an ultimate rescuerpermits us to feel forever watched and protected by an outside force. I had nothing but good feelings for her. First, he explained Everybody has got a heart. During the group meeting last week, all three women were sharing a lot of their feelings, about how hard it was being single, about loneliness, about grieving for their parents, about nightmares. For thirty years Saul had admired him from afar and now, in his presence, could barely summon the nerve to look into the great mans eyes. And there with large, panic-filled eyes, pleading with me not to give up on her. I held my tongue. But her belief was deeply held. I had been encased in my mind, watching replays over and over again of the same and, by then, pointless fantasy. I just dont want to be there when it happens. But there is another waya long tradition, applicable to psychotherapythat teaches us that full awareness of death ripens our wisdom and enriches our life. This textbook emphatically stresses "the therapist's job is not to make someone better, but to help the patient make themselves better." They could communicate fully, they could try to achieve a deep authentic relationship which, since authentic love is an absolute state, should approximate what they had before. I felt calmer, we were coasting in familiar waters. Would it be O.K. What mother wants to believe her child has to die?. God, thats one for you. Indeed, most of my deeply held beliefs about therapy, and my areas of keenest psychological interest, have arisen from personal experience. Published in 1989, Loves Executioner is one of Yaloms collections of case studies. Otto Rank described this life stance with a wonderful phrase: Refusing the loan of life in order to avoid the debt of death.. Saul, in Three Unopened Letters, knew that any reasonable man would open the letters; yet the fear they invoked paralyzed his will. I, too, had profited from our relationship. And what had she done for their birthdays? It is only when therapy enlists deep emotions that it becomes a powerful force for change. Pop psychologists forever talk about responsibility assumption, but its all words: it is extraordinarily hard, even terrifying, to own the insight that you and only you construct your own life design. First, she responded in a teasing way (I told you all along thats what I needed). Furthermore, Penny had continued to detach herself from Chrissie. I do know that for the entire six months I was at the Stockholm Institute, I took off only three days. Matthew was a charmer. They are informative, they are calming, and they penetrate the anxiety of isolation: the patient feels that, once you have the details, you have entered into his life. I reiterated to Marvin that, all things considered, I still believed the treatment of choice to be behaviorally oriented couples therapy. Has a focus on the ontological anxiety that has been evoked by passing a major milestone. My anger toward Matthew grew. To compound the problem, I had just had a poignant but exhausting session with an elderly, distraught widow whose purse had recently been stolen. . This all happened so insidiously that there was a time lag before the group began to catch on that he was getting off on it. What do you think Ill missthe new tax forms?, Sometimes retirement stirs up important feelings because it is such an important milestone in life. All Yalom does is piss and moan that he's bored in sessions because his client is ugly, or a fatty, or whatever else is not the height of entertainment for him. What I heard in the session with Matthew was precisely that. I told you she doesnt believe in psychiatry, but it goes far beyond that. I thought. Why had I not disagreed with her when she listed the reasons that medical school was not possible for her (her age, lack of stamina, laziness, having taken few of the prerequisite courses, and lack of funds)? Elva liked my laughing. Nonetheless, I can still see far into the distance. I was particularly struck by two powerful themes in Pennys account of her life. Slowly and sadly she realized (abetted, of course, by me) that she and Elmer had to part company. I dont expect Matthew to love me again, I just want him to care about my being on this planet. No, we were not off to a good start. Not only did I believe that I could help Thelma but I was intrigued by the idea that this counterfeit love could be a beacon that might illuminate some of the deep mystery of love. My connection with him felt tentative. Three Unopened Letters 9. Over the next few weeks, the contact with Carlos generated so much anxiety in Betty that I had to see her in several emergency sessions and had difficulty persuading her to continue in the group. The others werent as good, very morbid.. In that event, his wife would find the letters and be pained by reading them. Whats the big deal? he asked, and then claimed he personally wouldnt mind being raped by an attractive woman. My elegant interpretations? Heady stuff! I could see Marge flicker her eyelids and then close them. He could notwithout mentioning the fate of their collaborative venturewrite Dr. K. to obtain his permission to credit him. I was willing to be her executioner, to sacrifice her for you. Often circumstances favor such a course, but sometimes more problems are generated than solved. I was less bored now. I cant tell you how wonderful. He said the words, but no feelings came with them. Instead, I used the dream material to explore themes that had already emerged in our work. So I had anticipated desperation calls like this. I want to see you. No, no, its not that. Theyre jerks with no cojones, they sit around whimpering and saying nothing., Tell me what happened in the meeting from your perspective., Sarah talked about the rape, she tell you that?, And Martha did, too. And I guess I didnt look at her very often, either. Lets see, how does it work? A one-percent chance for what?, For what? With rare exceptions he learned that the spiritual union was a mirage. Furthermore, a therapy group would provide Betty an opportunity to explore the interpersonal issues we had opened up in our therapythe concealment, the need to entertain, the feeling she had nothing to offer. I knew that Thelma would take the rest of the hour spinning obsessional webs. But he was impatient to get marriedhe had dated Phyllis since he was fifteenand, since he had no financial resources, decided to become a high school teacher. I wondered whether it would.
PDF Literature and Psychology Level 3 (W237433) Love's Executioner, Irvin Yalom She had always lived in the privileged circle, outside the unpleasantness, the nasty inconveniences visited on ordinary peoplethose swarming masses of the tabloids and newscasts who are forever being robbed or maimed. Needing no reference books for my writing, I traveled light and had only a stack of my session notes for about fifty patients. (Thelma in "Love's Executioner") revolved around the theme of surrender to a former lover (and therapist) and my search for strategies to help her reclaim her power and freedom. And so, from patient to therapist to patient goes La Ronde of obsessional love.). They had learned to know each other in weekly segments of precisely fifty minutes, no more, no less. My mother is a crazy, embittered lady, and I grow more like her every day. Keeping the letters would forge a bond of trust between us. Memories of her father permeated these flashbacks. Furthermore, she had showed, early in therapy, considerable evidence of death anxiety in dreams. I heard a small child crying below in the darkness, calling for help. When Marie fell from the cable car, she struck her head and was unconscious for about an hour. I have no children, and I approach death full of dread. Phyllis, Marvin and Yalom never met together, Love's Executioner General Chapter Overviews, CH 7 Yalom - Transference & Transparency/ CH, . Without that drive none of us would exist on this earth. Betty was preoccupied that she was neither performing nor progressing through promotions as well as her eight classmates. Youre not punishing yourself for something you did once, four years ago, when Chrissie was dying. I didnt know how to respond. Could Marvin have possibly dreamed them? We continued to meet, but there seemed less and less to talk about; and finally, several months later, we agreed that our work had come to an end. Her cancer and her treatment were both extremely painful. Thelma, this continual rumination about Matthewfor shorthand, lets call it an obsession, Those twenty-seven days were a great gift, she said, bristling. "If Rape Were Legal." 3. Somewhat bemused and willing to try anything once, I agreed and stored her clothes under my desk.
His silence is killing me. Have you ever seen a case of manic-depression starting at sixty-four? Now and then, when the receptor site was well prepared, we withdrew some part of Me for transplantation. (Not delicious and clandestine but deliciously clandestine, for secrecyand I shall say more about this shortlywas the axis of Daves personality around which all else rotated. Then Matthew, ingenuously, turned to me and began: This is not easy for me. Many years ago he had developed a strong belief in reincarnation, a belief that offered him blessed relief from fears about dying. Surely my patience that day was a sign of having arrived at some degree of maturity. But my gratitude to: Pat Baumgardner, Helen Blau, Michele Carter, Isabel Davis, Stanely Elkin, John Felstiner, Albert Guerard, Maclin Guerard, Ruthellen Josselson, Herant Katchadourian, Stina Katchadourian, Marguerite Lederberg, John LHeureux, Morton Lieberman, Dee Lum, K. Y. Lum, Mary Jane Moffatt, Nan Robinson, my sister Jean Rose, Gena Sorensen, David Spiegel, Winfried Weiss, my son Benjamin Yalom, the 1988 class of Stanford residents and psychology interns, my secretary Bea Mitchell who, for ten years, typed the clinical notes and ideas from which these stories spring.